via GIPHY

I was scammed. I believe most, if not all of us were absolutely scammed and bamboozled. Remember all the assurances we were given about “university being the best time of your life” or “university being much easier than high-school”? Well, surprise, surprise human, they lied to us. They sold the lie very well at that. They packaged it in this seemingly shiny, expensive and golden box and wrapped it up with enticing words or statements like “with university comes freedom”, “with university comes control over your destiny”, “with university comes discovering yourself outside your family” and blah blah blah. While those statements have some semblance of truth, one often wonders how true those facts are. I mean sure there’s freedom, but all that freedom and control at what cost? Well, I’ll tell you…the cost is, drumroll please…PAINSTAKINGLY SLOW DEATH. Kidding, kidding. Well, mostly that is.

I don’t know what descriptive imagery to offer as an accurate depiction or representation of what university actually is. I don’t think any of the most heinous examples your brain can muster actually does any justice to this mission. Should I say “survival of the fittest”, “dog eat dog world”, or “sticks and stones will break your bones and the words will send you straight to your grave”?  Maybe that imagery is far too shallow, far too cliché. If I’m to be utterly honest, university is like being a participant in The Hunger Games or even worse, a member of the scout regiment in Attack on Titan or just a citizen trying to survive in Zimbabwe’s very debilitating economy.

Now, you might be saying oh goodness Nonkosi you’re such a pessimist! I assure you human, I’m really not. I’m just trying to share another perspective of university and hopefully assist you in ensuring that you don’t make the same mistakes I made in my first year of university. I’m no university expert or anything but I did survive my first year and that counts for something right? Right? 

Anyway, I’ve been mentally scarred. There are some things I wish I could unsee and undo, but alas I can do neither. I swear superpowers would be great right now or even Light Yagami’s death note (I’m still waiting for that to miraculously fall onto my laps). In between the never-ending lectures, lecherous “men”, vindictive classmates, non-existent friendships and your own mental health it really starts to feel like all the weapons formed against you are prospering. Between the actual program/degree itself, social relationships, your own dilemmas, everything can feel heavy but there’s hope yet.

Navigating friendships

Friends huh? This one is an exceptionally delicate topic. One might even say tricky and even painful to visit because it also means holding yourself accountable for certain stuff, by stuff I mean actions. University thrusts a lot of academic pressure into your fragile arms that are fresh out of an equally fiery but somewhat more manageable institution we call Secondary school or High school.

Granted, university academics can keep you so busy that your mind negates everything outside that world riddled with anxiety and pressure. Trying to balance academics and friends can be extremely tumultuous, then before you can blink your eyes years and years of friendship slips out of your hands. Communication starts having little to no significance in your life and you assume (keyword being assume) that your friends understand that you are in no position to communicate regularly or as freely as you used to.

So, the problem here is that you assumed. That’s the same thing I did. It’s always best to communicate with your friends and tell them that communication will become scarce from here on out. My problem was that I negated to tell my friends that my ability to communicate would be reduced if not completely non-existent moving forward. Lack of communication is what destroyed my relationships with my friends. It’s important to take accountability when you do something wrong when it comes to ensuring your friendships last in not just university but in every stage of life.

With regards to my friendships, I’ve had to learn some pretty harsh lessons. Some friends are completely seasonal and it’s okay. Read that again. Sure, you might have met them in high-school, primary school and even pre-school but now it’s like you’re all strangers. It’s all simple really, time and places change people. I have come to find that experiences are different with each individual and said experiences can change people. We all change due to circumstances and our changes can often be a catalyst as to why people grow apart or you could be a person who asked God to reveal people who are for you and those who aren’t for you. God takes that prayer literally. Be careful because God will “yeat” people out of your life. He’ll have people leaving faster than you ever thought possible and while that might be scary it’s good for you in the long run.

Remember that quality is better than quantity. It’s better to have one good friend that challenges you to reach greater heights, who shows you different perspectives and approaches to life than to have many friends that allow you to wallow in stagnation and use your insecurities as arsenal to harm you under the guise of a “joke”.

The Concept of Consent Is Basically Non-existent In Tertiary Institutions.

I don’t mean to alarm you but keep people at arm’s length when you get to university. I’m no sexist but men in tertiary institutions usually have ulterior motives when they “befriend” you. They claim to care about you and whilst you seek companionship, they are probably manipulating you. Then next thing you know, you’re jumping into a male friend’s car and he whips out his junk and it’s like sir WHAT THE HECK? I wish I could scrub my mind and my eyes with bleach.

The rate of females being sexually harassed in tertiary institutions is very high. When you report or discuss sexual assault people think it’s only penetrative assault. But assault can range from lewd comments, stalking and non-consensual touching. I don’t think people understand, men will feel you up and leave you shocked at the audacity. Females are not protected in the very least so it’s extremely vital for us to protect ourselves. Society doesn’t make it easy for females to speak up because who will take the word of a meek girl or purported promiscuous girls? I’m afraid that Zimbabweans don’t respect women when it comes to issues of sexuality. No one will believe your word over that of a man’s. They’ll all say you enticed him or that you wanted it. Even your “friends” will think it’s a joke.

You go through your WhatsApp feed and you see stories of lots of females who report assault and you’ll see group participants claiming that the girl was lying. It’s gross male ego and entitlement that makes people assume that they can do what they want to females and in their sick brains think females wanted it. I once got together with a group of females and many girls narrated their ordeals of assault and how no one had believed them. They went as far as reporting to the campus police only for them to reply with, “But what were you wearing?”  As if your choice of clothing spurs someone to harass you instead of their inability to control themselves like the adults they claim to be.

Your body is yours and yours alone. You need to protect it. The best way to go about protecting yourself is to be alert. You need to trust your intuition. If something tells you to run, then run. In some cases if a boy tells you he likes you and you don’t like him back, there’s a high chance he will eventually make an unwanted move on you…so run. Boundaries are extremely important. They are an integral part in the mission to protect yourself so set those boundaries. Say no and don’t worry about being “mean” I’m not saying all males are horrible, but there’s a lot of bad ones in my experience. So I implore you to be careful. Protect yourself female because no else will.

            Imposter syndrome and modules

I really went to university thinking lectures would be conducted like Grown-ish episodes. I expected to be a latte sipping girl-ie with a large group of friends, attending lectures with a fervour to learn from passionate lecturers. Unsurprisingly, I was very wrong if not completely and utterly misguided.

Lectures aren’t a walk in the park. When you miss even a single one, there’s a high chance you have missed a hundred chapters of work. There’s always an issue with school, be it marks not appearing on your portal and so on.

What has proved most horrible for me and I find in some of my peers is imposter syndrome. It’s the feeling that you don’t deserve to be where you are. It’s feeling like you don’t have the qualifications, skills, work ethic and confidence that most of your peers seem to have. The issue of comparison really will swallow you whole. Then you just sit there and ask yourself, how are some of these girls able to come to class looking alive, consistently create content, go out and take devastatingly stunning pictures to post on their impressive socials. Then you sigh and ask yourself HOW?!

How I survived

I know my descriptions above have been very unappealing, unwelcoming and probably terrifying but you will be fine. There’s hope yet! So never fear citizen, Nonkosi is here!

You have to stay prayed up. Your relationship with God is vital for every step you take in your life and navigating university needs more than your own strength.

Take care of mental health otherwise you’ll be up at 2 am having a mental breakdown and panicking about the direction and state of your life. Take advantage of mental health resources at school and even online therapists. Talking to unbiased trained people will most definitely help in your tertiary education journey. And yes Africans, black people can have mental issues and emotional breakdowns, anxiety and stress. It’s normal. It does not make you weak. It’s called being human. Besides, I believe everyone should have a therapist, you brush your teeth everyday so why not brush your brain or clean it everyday?

Build your community of good and trusted friends. As I said before, quality trumps quantity any day. Some people will come and go and some will stay. Don’t let any of those variables deter you, everyone there is trying to find their footing. First years tend to form large herds in order to find a home, to feel safe and protected thus as time goes by and people gain confidence or find people they can resonate with more. Sometimes people separate not because they are bad people, maybe they just don’t get each other, their paths may be different and sometimes people outgrow each other and that’s okay.

After tweaking your insides, work on your outward appearance. Dressing well, grooming yourself and making an effort on your outward appearance will definitely make you feel better. It’s not shallow to look put together. Buy yourself cute clothes that fit well, get your nails done as well, keep your hair all cute and get a personal scent.

There are also tonnes of activities and sports you can partake in. Pick one that feeds your mind, body and soul. I recommend martial arts (Yes, I’m definitely a biased yellow belt). There are media clubs, cultural clubs, drama clubs and so many more activities offered in universities so why not find something you can love? I highly recommend finding something outside your academics so you can boost your confidence in almost every aspect of your life.

Also, romanticise your life because why not? You only have one life. So be the girlie that drinks lattes and eats croissants. Take nice walks and take aesthetic pictures. Find your ideal Pinterest boards of outfits and start emulating those outfits. Get your nails done, if you can’t afford that, paint your own nails. Get cute notebooks and write cute notes in them. Get a clear water bottle and put cucumber and lemon slices in it. Romanticise your life and spoil yourself, even on a budget and even as a broke college student.

And remember that you’ll be fine. It just takes faith, lots of hard-work and perseverance.

• The “Weird” Brown Girl.