That shame does not belong to you
It’s in the eyes. They are beady. They are leering. They are hungry. They are disrespectful. They are invasive.
I was very naïve. I thought of some of them as lovely fathers to look up to. Some, I even idolised and respected. I admired the inner workings of their minds. The cogs in their brain that developed such lovely and wonderful thoughts. I wanted to be just as powerful and influential as they were. I wanted them to see me, not as a body but as a human being capable of great thought.
So, when they whip out their phones and basically command me to feed my contact details into their devices I’m always astounded. Hadn’t he just said I reminded him of his daughter? Hadn’t he just said I was his daughter? Hadn’t we just engaged in meaningful discourse, in which he called me ‘kid’ in every instance? So, why is it that he now wanted my contact details, why was his large hand now on my arm, his thumb circling the back of my hand? Why were the eyes I had seen and admired as brilliant, focused eyes now leering at me? Why did I suddenly feel like trapped prey that was about to be devoured?
I know what you’re probably thinking. I am being so melodramatic but that’s exactly how it feels to be leered at by older men. Especially the ones you admire and regard as a father figure. When I was younger, roughly 13 I thought that these men were my fathers or uncles. In an ideal cultural setting they are my fathers and uncles, but boy was I beyond disappointed as I grew in age and my chest began to match my age. Suddenly men who helped me tie my shoelaces or bought me ice lollies on hot days were grinning at me and telling me how much I had grown while looking at my chest. They changed my diapers and now it seems like they want to remove my panties. It was and still is jarring. It was and still is invasive.
While I was angry that I was being leered at, I also found myself feeling absolutely disgusting. I felt like I was filthy. I felt like I was the cause of all my discomfort. I felt like I was the cause of what I was experiencing.
I thought about writing this when I was scrolling through Tiktok. Yes, I know, surprise surprise! Anyway, a girl popped up on my for-you-page. She basically described how dehumanising it felt to have a man old enough to be your father or grandfather making sick sexual advances at you. I had never related to someone as much as her. She had said something that I’m sure a number of women if not all girls and women had felt at some point in their lives.
On my way from a lecture, I remember having a heated back and forth with a man who was following me in his car. I noticed that he had a wedding band on his ring finger as he grinned at me. On his windshield I saw a sticker of a high school insignia. Adults who usually had those stickers on their windshield were parents. I proceeded to tell him that he should probably pay his kid’s fees instead of trying to rope me into a lunch that he obviously intended to end with some shagging in a motel that he probably frequented. I remember him scowling at me after my response. He looked like he wanted to beat me up. I stood there regardless, staring his nasty scowl down. He kissed his teeth before telling me that I was too proud and that my beauty would eventually end and no one would want me. I merely rolled my eyes at him and he huffed before driving off angrily. Ah yes, I thought women were the emotional ones.
When that man drove off, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed. Why did I feel like some disgusting grotesque creature? I looked at how I was dressed. I was wearing a long dress. Everything was covered up. That’s what society told me was usually the problem—being ‘scantily’ clad. I wasn’t scantily clad so why was he being a creep? That’s when I realised (again) that it was never the clothes! It wasn’t even about me. I didn’t bring creeps out of their dark little holes. They did all that by themselves. They were just …well….creeps.
I have often been told by older men who obviously wanted to shag that I will be worthless when I turn 30. I was told that my charms and my allure would disappear. I was told that my worth or my value as a woman has an expiration date. These are some of the manipulative tactics they utilise to get into my head. They often tell me that I will miss the times when they would leer at me.
Men are at the top of the social hierarchy…
In case you hadn’t noticed, this is a man’s world. We live in a world where men are socially dominant. Men hold significant power due to age, gender or perceived authority. So, a man who we inherently think is dominant makes us feel small with his gaze. Their invasive eyes reduce us to nothing more than bodies.
We are always the ones to blame…
“Cover up.”
“Don’t tempt men.”
“Be careful what you wear.”
I’m sure you’ve been told that it’s your fault that boys or men harass you because of various reasons. It could be blamed on what you’re wearing. It could be blamed on how you smile at men. It could be blamed on batting your eyelashes. It could be blamed on you talking to them even though when you don’t respond you’re insulted and called rude but I digress. What am I saying? Girls are always held to the standard of responsibility and accountability that men aren’t held to. In a nutshell: victim blaming. Except, in our society women are rarely the victim. If social media has taught me anything it’s that women who are victims of abuse are always disregarded by comments of men and women alike asking what she had done to provoke the man enough to chop her to pieces, strangle her or shoot her.
When I was harassed by a man who looked like he was on his last leg, a group of men and women who witnessed the scene told me it was my fault I was wearing shorts. Mind you, the men saying this were shirtless. It was blazing hot and I was 10. Not that I should even need various reasons to justify why I should be treated like a human being.
Because society has ingrained the notion that we’re responsible for how the male populace reacts to us and that we’re always at fault if anything negative occurs, I’m sure when older men stare at us we quietly think; it was my fault. Maybe my top is too revealing.
I can confirm that I have felt that shame many a time, but the most traumatically memorable one was when I was 17 and walking to school. A middle-aged man’s eyes perused my uniform clad body. He told me that my body was too mature for me to be in high school and that he must wed me instead. I remember folding my arms around my chest and tugging at my ankle length skirt. I was the problem I thought as I made a painful trek to school, fantasising about axing my chest.
That could be it. You feel shame because you think it’s your fault. But from one girl to another, I can guarantee you that you were just existing and that it was and never will be your fault.
The 2012 baseline study also highlighted severe under-reporting. Only about 1 in 14 physically abused women reported to police, with even fewer seeking protection orders or medical help. Less than 1 in 10 rape survivors filed formal complaints.
Under-reporting and silence are often driven by fear of victimisation, stigma, and belief that blame will be placed on the survivor rather than the harasser.
A bad case of internalised misogyny…
That gaze may be leery, creepy, slimy and downright intrusive and yet society often laughs it off and says he’s just admiring your beauty. I often shut people down for telling me this absolute rubbish. How is a man old enough to be my ancestor telling me that I have a young body that was moulded for sex supposed to be flattering? It’s absolutely disgusting. They will brush it off and tell me that that’s how men act, that their actions are normal male behaviour. Sigh. Since blame is diverted from the man, you’re bound to feel ashamed.
I don’t know what to call it but maybe I will chalk it up to naivete…
Before entering the legal field as an intern, there were many legal giants that I admired and drew inspiration from. Their words and actions in the legal sector were nothing short of inspiring to me. I pedestalised them and perhaps even idolised them. Let’s just say that the list of legal giants I used to respect, admire and idolise has shrunk significantly. If you had asked me my list of favourite legal giants in 2022, I would have written you five volumes of names and their actions. Now we’re in the second half of 2025 and I can blatantly state that my list has all but shrunk, actually, it doesn’t exist. I don’t need both my hands to list the ones I still admire.
I wager that I still like the ones left on my tiny list because I am yet to meet them. You know what they say about idols or heroes? They often say never meet your heroes. You will most likely be disappointed. Boy, was I disappointed! When I conversed with these legal giants, I thought the smiles on their faces was their awe of what I thought or had to say. It was a hard pill to swallow but I finally accepted the fact that they didn’t care about what I thought about the economic or political state of the world. I accepted the fact that they didn’t give a rat’s ass that I was a fleshed out human being with thoughts, ideas and dreams. It was actually quite the contrary for all they wanted was to shag. My heart shattered when they offered me their phones to put my phone number or when they asked me if I was an open-minded girl like they were some suave dudes from Hongdae.
I can understand that society regards older men hunting for young women as something normal, while some write the advances off as jokes or flattery. I guess they think I am supposed to be flattered. However, I don’t think that way. It’s simple really, I’m not stupid or dumb. I find it despicable, disrespectful, dehumanising and degrading. I find it utterly insulting. When I interact with these men, I expect respect. So, there’s a dissonance between what I expect, what actually happens and what I feel. I think my expectations and feelings breed the shame. A shame that was never mine nor was it ever yours to begin with.
According to Afrobarometer, 24% of Zimbabweans say women “often” or “always” experience sexual harassment in public spaces, which includes staring, leering, catcalling, or other non‑verbal harassment.
Women aren’t allowed to feel or express rage
There’s a blog post of mine that speaks volumes about women being forced into silence. This inability to express emotions like rage is because rage is often associated with masculinity. Expressing rage is deemed unbecoming of a woman. Heck, even being assertive earns you the title of a man with tits. It’s interesting to say the least. No, actually let me call it what it is…regression. We’re regressing. We really are. Let me stay on script. As I was saying or rather, typing, from a young age girls are often discouraged from confronting leering men. You’re expected to stay polite, stay quiet, or laugh it off. Because how dare you tell a man to piss off? I think that internalising these feelings leads to helplessness, and then shame as it is a safer and more acceptable outlet as opposed to the anger we will actually be feeling.
The Zimbabwe National Statistics Agency reported that up to 30% of women encountered sexual harassment in workplace settings, a scary figure likely undercounting the real scale due to underreporting.
So, what’s the verdict?
I have decided to stop caring about what depraved men who ought to be feeding their families instead of being condescending and trying to seduce me by upgrading my phone as they usually do in Harare, have to say about anything. I just don’t have the ability to care enough to listen to what they have to say anymore. I shouldn’t have to feel any shame because of the male gaze whether, it’s from a young man or an older man. I’ve taken to shaming them instead. I’ll point out their wedding rings, tell them to pay their kid’s school fees or tell them about tinder.
I won’t lie, I still feel shame from time to time but as soon as I feel it, I completely give myself a mental slap. You should too and maybe, just maybe you should slap yourself and other women who feel the shame. Tell them it was and never is their fault.
Nor is it yours.
You are not responsible for other people’s actions.
It is not your fault that you are being preyed on, it’s the predator’s fault.
They may value you for your body but you’re so much more than that body.
You shouldn’t have to carry shame that was never yours to begin with, so don’t.
How?
Let’s figure it out as we go but let’s make it a norm to bite back at the creeps. Take the shame they that you somehow inherited and give it to them. They should be the ones to feel it and carry it.
- The “Weird” Brown Girl.
Absolutely speechless! Yet another amazing post! 🙂