On today’s informed-opinion blog post (Lol, aren’t they all?) and rant, I’ll be expounding on men’s mental health and how it’s being stifled by a system that men themselves put in place. Can you guess what that system is? It’s really not that hard. It’s that overused word I spew 99% of the time on my platform. Without further ado, druuuumroooolll please! Exactly, it’s the good old “p” word and that’s the patriarchy! (DUN DUN DAAAAAAAAAAAH!)
I prattle on and on about the patriarchy but what is it? I think it’s effects are a steaming pile of cow-dudu, but unfortunately I’m no dictionary. Darn it. So we’ll let the oxford dictionary regale us. Patriarchy is a system of society or government in which the father or eldest male is head of the family and descent is reckoned through the male line as well as a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.
It was recently men’s mental health month. Well not recently, it was in June. I was looking forward to the month. After all I have a brother, uncles and a boyfriend. I have some male friends too. It would be wrong to negate the month dedicated to supporting men and raising awareness about their seasons of pain and suffering—after all they are human beings who deserve love, respect and human rights…right? RIGHT.
Men love to go on and on about the whole “not all men” narrative whenever a woman mentions being stifled, abused, bashed, belittled and shamed by a man. Don’t you think she knows that it’s not all men who have done that? While the whole “not all men” narrative holds water it usually denotes that men lack empathy or even a modicum of sympathy. When a woman gets on the internet to express instances of her sexual assault among other problems or issues inflicted by some men, men are quick to jump the bandwagon of yelling at her and reprimanding her by claiming that she shouldn’t generalise all men. You’re probably wondering right now what my point is. My point is that men are conditioned to lack empathy or not exercise it in many issues if not all of them. That right there is a reason why most if not all of their mental health awareness campaigns or ventures lack success because they lack the ability to empathise and sympathise amongst themselves.
Men’s mental health and suicide.
I have had many male friends come to me and claim that they have been sexually assaulted. I urge them time and time again to head to the police and file a report so that the perpetrator can be hurled into jail. Spoiler alert, they always say no. Reporting rape or sexual assault isn’t easy. It takes a lot of courage for both women and men to report an assault. Women usually claim that it’s because they are afraid of being blamed and slut-shamed. Men are always reluctant to report assault because it’s deemed as a threat to their masculinity. When I was attached at the Magistrate court in Bulawayo, I was appalled by some of the police officers and employees at the courts laughing at a man who claimed his wife was beating him and sometimes sexually assaulting him. My eyebrows were always scrunched up in confusion as I asked what the hecklers sworn to serve and protect found funny in his statement. Disgusting honestly. My friends have claimed that society deems it unmasculine and even impossible to be assaulted by a woman if the victim is a man. Because God forbid a man is labelled a victim. I always have a blank expression on my face usually laced with a twinge of confusion and ask what they mean by such a statement. I always told my friends that asking for help didn’t make them any less of a man. Cliché I know, feel free to cringe but it’s true.
I constantly urged my male friends to rush to the police. I was adamant on them getting help and always confused as to why they couldn’t go and file a report. Then I remembered the years and years of patriarchal indoctrination and conditioning. Patriarchy says men are the stronger gender therefore they can never be subjugated or overpowered by a female (the “weaklings” of society) thus it’s unthinkable for a man to suffer abuse from a woman.
I can count a number of times where men spoke about their abuse on social media. I remember a situation whereby a 14-year-old boy was sexually assaulted by a woman at knife point, most men where in the comments section invalidating his trauma. They claimed that he probably enjoyed it. They told him that he should have just laid back and enjoyed the entire ordeal. Men in the comments even called the crime “hot” and that he probably wanted it that’s why he didn’t fight the perpetrator off. That case made me sick to my stomach.
Whenever men find the courage to talk about their assaults, I find that it is usually women who validate their pain, offer support, rally together in numbers and do their best to hold the criminal accountable. It has occurred to me that women do that because they can relate to the idea of being mistreated and extremely abused. They can relate to feeling small. In case you hadn’t noticed, we live in a society that places men at the apex of the social ladder or hierarchy in general. I’m sure it’s perceived as an anomaly to have men bested by women which is very weird to me because assault is wrong and disgusting regardless of the gender inflicting it or being victim to it.
The only time anyone really hears about men’s mental health is when it’s time to blame women for not caring enough about problems created by a system that men would die for in order to sustain. A man’s lower life expectancy is an outcome of the patriarchy (Men are more likely to commit suicide than women. According to the Sabinet Journal for the period 1981-1982, the suicide rate in Zimbabwe was 6.8 per 100,000 per year. The rate for males was 10.5 and for females 3.3).
The World Health Organisation claims that suicide is the largest cause of death for men under 50 in various parts of the world. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15–29-year-olds. Seventy-seven per cent of global suicides occur in low- and middle-income countries. According to the World Health Organisation’s (WHO) Prevention and Management of Mental Health Conditions in Zimbabwe Report of 2022, 1.8% of all deaths in Zimbabwe are attributed to suicide, with men contributing a higher rate than women. In a patriarchal society, that dictates that the measure of a man is tied to his ability to adequately provide for his family, earning a living in Zimbabwe has been a main cause of stress among men leading to suicide. Women have not been spared from the effects of economic challenges as some may find themselves being the sole provider of the family also exacerbating mental health issues such as depression which are high risk factors of suicide. Men aren’t asked how they are doing because we have all been socialised not to ask them.
This is why I made a strong link to the patriarchy. It messes with everyone. It sets these power dynamics that make it almost impossible for men to show a sliver of vulnerability. Patriarchy birthed an order of things that has created a world whereby men think that if they shed a single tear, they’ll lose their genitalia or something. It is as though feeling human emotions is akin to a strong inclination to trade in their manhood.
I am not a man (Wooooooooow Nonkosi, who could have guessed that you’re not a man?). I do not know what it’s like to be a man but I can empathise with people’s pain. I think it’s my only redeeming quality really. What I know with more clarity than anything is that men need to create spaces and systems of understanding to help each other. That means holding themselves accountable for shaming each other. One of the leading causes of suicide for men have been noted as the inability to communicate because of the fear of being shamed. It is imperative that men take each other’s suffering seriously. Only then can they really get the rest of the world to rally behind them.
- The “Weird” Brown Girl.
SOURCES:
https://journals.co.za/doi/pdf/10.10520/AJA00089176_667
https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/data-research/suicide-data
Yes, you’re right. This patriarchal society has made men suffer in silence without telling anybody, all in the name of being told that ‘men don’t cry.’ But sometimes, it’s about letting those tears out, which brings forth healing. It’s about sharing your trauma with someone, which reduces the risk of depression and committing suicide. The reason why the percentage of men committing suicide is higher than that of women is that they don’t share their problems or trauma. And by keeping such disturbing information to oneself, it usually leads to stress, and from stress to depression, and from depression to suicide.
So, there must be many campaigns and awareness programs on men’s mental health. Both men and women must be taught that it’s okay for men to open up and report any form of abuse they are going through. Just like women, men also need help, they also need counseling sessions. This is a very important topic you’ve touched on, and for that, thank you!
I completely agree with you. We need serious destigmatisation of emotional expression for men if we’re to ever find a way forward. Thank you for reading!❤️
This was a difficult read, necessary but difficult. Especially seeing how other men react to those that have experienced sexual assault. My heart breaks for them. Raising awareness like this is important and should be done often.
Many thanks for reading!!❤️