She opened her eyes and adjusted them to the light. “Welcome to the world, little one.” They whispered in her ear. They were happy, I’m sure. She was happy, I’m sure. When she started to walk, she was dressed up like a pretty princess so she could run up and down hills. Some days she felt like a princess hailing over plant life and crickets that came alive when the sun set then on some days she felt like a pirate seeking ancient treasure. It didn’t matter what she wore then. It never did. She would clasp her mother’s hand and traverse the many lands of Bulawayo with nary a care in the world.
When she turned 11 things started to change. Her grandmother wouldn’t let her wear her favourite shorts outside the gate anymore. Her grandmother insisted she wear long dresses and skirts. Gone were her shorts skirts, shorts and playsuits if she wanted to leave her home. The older she became the more she realised that she couldn’t jump into commuter omnibuses wearing shorts anymore. Things were different. People didn’t wave at her at her or smile at her like they did when she was 6 or 7 years old. Now everything was slightly alarming. If her dress was remotely short or just above her knees she received a lot of sneers and stares.
When she was 15 she realised that short clothes agitated everyone more than anything she wore. When she wore sweatpants and a t-shirt at the age of 19, taking care to cover herself up and protect herself from the stares, sneers and snide remarks she was trying to protect herself just like her matriarchs had taught her to. When a man as old as her father described her in the most obscene and filthy way she had only heard in movies, her heart pounded in her chest in a fear so great that she was sure her heart would burst out of her chest. She started to think herself a fool. Did she really think covering herself up would protect her from the hands and words of men?
Her mama had told her that she needed to cover herself up to protect herself.
Her granny told her that the longer her dresses, skirts and pants, the safer she would be. That was clearly an extremely and poorly crafted misconception.
She covered herself with her hoodie and picked up the pace. The man was trailing her, varying his unwanted sick comments. He didn’t care about how disrespectful he was being. He didn’t care that he was being derogatory. In fact, she was sure he thought that his behaviour was normal, then again how couldn’t he think that way when society had given him leeway to carry on with his gnarly ways?
When she was safe from the man’s prying eyes, she clutched her chest to calm her beating heart. That’s when she realised that it was never her clothes. Whether she was naked or covered up like a catholic nun, the difference was the same. That’s when she realised that it was never her fault. That’s when she realised it was never her clothes.
I hate the “what were you wearing?” words so much. I hate the stares I receive, the scowls, the awful temperament they subject me to simply because I decided to don a pair of shorts and take a walk on a hot day. Granted there’s absolutely nothing wrong with compliments, like “you look beautiful,” and then the dudes keep it pushing(like that ever happens lol). Alas, compliments of that nature are rare. They are rarer than a four-leaf clover. If you’re a woman I’m sure the compliment likely received is backhanded or overtly sexual. Some may start out respectful until the wolf in sheep’s clothing rears his ugly head and takes a nice big chomp of your head. The truth is, I’m absolutely terrified of dressing up the way I really desire because honestly, I’ll get assaulted and somehow it will be my fault.
When it actually is my clothes…
I’ll admit that there are instances where clothing and attire are determinants of one’s treatment. For starters, I can’t go to court dressed like I would dress when I go to an ATEEZ concert. I can’t dress the way I would want to dress at a fun fair at my internship. I suppose the whole right clothes at the right time notion is valid.
I know that there’s a whole colour theory coined by psychologists about the power of colour in choice of wardrobe. Wear black to command respect and dominance. Wear white to appear innocent. Wear red to be mysterious. There’s a long list. HOWEVER, I think people have taken it upon themselves to always blame a girl or woman for her suffering because of the choice of her get up as opposed to blaming the man who couldn’t control himself.
I realised that I have a lot to gain from looking nice. If I decide to look put together, people in all sorts of spaces are incredibly polite. People are likely to assist you. People are likely to acknowledge you and instances of networking becoming somewhat easier when you’re dressed like a female Korean drama C.E.O.
There’s a psychology behind clothes that I cannot deny. I really do wish people weren’t as hyper focused as they are on physical or outward appearances but alas, human beings are outwardly focused. How one looks matters, especially as a woman. Whether it’s through the lens of the male gaze or female gaze there is always a reaction solicited by how we decide to present ourselves to society. Depending on how we dress we either incite the halo effect or the horn effect.
When it was never her clothes…
Whenever a new horrid report of assault is published, a man’s first question is always “what was she wearing?” or “why would she wear that though?” Those statements really make my stomach churn because that’s basically victim blaming. Victim blaming is any response that explicitly states or implies that the victim is to blame for the abuse they have experienced. Like the examples above, victim blaming often revolves around actions that a victim could have taken (or not taken) to avoid experiencing abuse.
Whenever a woman recounts her assault people (sadly men AND women) alike tend to ask why the victim was there. They ask why the victim was donning the get up she was at that particular moment. There’s always a slew of comments peppered on sexual assault survivor pages of men and women asking why the woman was there at that particular time. Another question is always “why was she wearing such a short skirt or short shorts?” They’ll say that to children aged 9 or 10 or 12! A whole child. Some men will go off on a tangent asking why it is the girl didn’t fight back? Why didn’t she scream? Every blameworthy statement you can fathom is hurled at the victim. However, the perpetrator of the crime is rarely held accountable in society’s eyes. The only area they are held liable for their despicable crime is if the law permits. The law claims that the onus of proof for rape lays with the victim and if he or she can’t produce evidence that is beyond a reasonable doubt well then, the perpetrator is free to do as he pleases.
If women are the problem and if their inability to cover up is the problem then why do we have instances were women who are fully covered up get raped? It doesn’t stop at fully covered women. It’s children. It’s other men. It’s monitor lizards. It’s goats. It happens in hospitals, in bathrooms, in tuck-shops and in offices. It happens anywhere and everywhere.
If it’s really about the clothes then what about poor little 7-year-old Heaven who was raped and killed in Ethopia?
Then what about 72-year-old Gisele Pelicot who was repeatedly assaulted by dozens of strangers over a period of a decade at the order of her husband?
What about the monitor lizard that was raped then eaten in India?
What about Dr Moumita Debnath who was raped by roughly 15 men in hospital after her shift?
What about the 48 women who get raped every hour in Congo?
What about the rape victims of the Korean burning sun scandal or the victims of the nth room?
What about the case of Junko Furuta in 1988 who was cycling home from school?
What about the pregnant goat who got raped by 9 men in India and died?
What about the countless reports of male employees at morgues raping dead bodies?
What about all the countless reports I haven’t mentioned but are practically plastered on every platform available on the internet?
In all these instances were there any clothes involved? Were any of these women wearing short shorts or short skirts as the saying or blame usually goes? No. Some of the victims were animals. Some of the victims were other men or boys so was it really what they were wearing? Some of the victims were deceased people and yet there was rape. Yet there was brutal assault. So, I’m pretty sure it was never the clothes. It was never the victim’s fault; it was the rapist’s fault. Women’s outfit choices are not the causes of rape. The rapist is the cause of the rape.
When we carry on with the whole “what was she wearing” or “it’s her fault because she was dressed like that” narrative then we as a society only uplift vile rapists and even exonerate them. When we carry on with that narrative then we raise generations of men who believe that there’s no need for them to control their urges because it’s not their fault because a little girl or grown woman walks around in a short skirt and they assault them.
There’s a “What Were You Wearing Exhibit” put together by the Dove Centre created to debunk the whole what was she wearing myth. It’s a collection of heartbreaking tales whereby the victims explain what they were wearing when they got assaulted. Some were wearing pajamas, jeans and t-shirts, some were wearing their ballerina dresses and some their “onesies“. It was never about the clothes but about the perpetrators who committed the despicable crime.
So what?
Quit the damaging stereotypes about assault that aid perpetrators of this crime in avoiding accountability for their choices. Quit the rape apologist shtick because girls and women truly are in danger. It was and never will be the victim’s fault.
— The “Weird” Brown Girl.
SOURCES.
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cyvpd7zyprdo
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3093289
Rape is a horrific crime, leaving lasting trauma on victims. For sure clothing or appearance never justifies or provokes sexual assault like you said. Perpetrators must face severe consequences to deter others from committing the same crime.
Research shows rape victims suffer long-term psychological effects, including PTSD, depression, and anxiety (RAINN, 2022).
There’s a need for improvement support services for victims, including counseling and legal aid and encouraging survivors to report incidents and seek help!
Thus, to combat sexual violence, we need harsher prison sentences for convicted rapists and public awareness campaigns challenging harmful attitudes and behaviors.
By advocating for these measures, we can effectively combat sexual violence and support support survivors, together we can create a society that prioritizes consent, respect and justice for all.